The Times are Changing
Don't you wish you could spend your days snoozing on top of a pillow? Me too!
Oh well, I would miss out on much of life if I slept as much as Joey. So I will be content with my non-snoozy-pillowless-days.
So I've been doing lots of thinking, praying, etc. the past while about my life and the way I live it. For the past I don't know how long, but for too long, I've felt like I've just been hanging on by the seat of my pants as I try my best to survive each day. Not getting done what I want to do with schooling stresses me out, having a messy house stresses me out, unfinished projects stresses me out, dealing with a bum foot stresses me out, feeling like I'm falling way short of the super high expectations I put on me stresses me out. The past month has been rough and full of stresses I've put upon myself. I don't want to live my life that way. It's silly that I have a huge amount of grace for the people around me, but a zero tolerance level for anything short of perfection for myself. When I fall short of that, it makes for a very unhappy me (just ask Aaron!).
God's been really getting ahold of me lately on my identity issues again. I dealt with it and felt I had a handle on it while in high school and college while I struggled with some eating issues and my self-perfectionism. But slowly again, I have let the things I do dictate how I feel about myself and my approval of myself. That's so totally not right! My identity is not in what I do, but who I am as a daughter of God. I have that as head knowledge, but I am now allowing God to once again strip away all the junk of my life and make it heart knowledge. It's a bit painful at times (okay, some days A LOT painful!). But I know it will be worth it. So, my running training is sidelined, my body isn't where I prefer it, my house isn't as clean as I wish, the schooling isn't all I desired to do, I've bypassed opportunities to play with my kids, things are undone, and I've missed deadlines, and failed in what I had hoped to achieve in places. What am I going to focus on? That junk? With God's help, NO! I am working at finding REST in God and PEACE. I will celebrate the things I am doing even when it's not perfect. I will allow God to bring me back to the core - a relationship with Him. That means I will be changing some things in my life and how I do things and what I deem as more important. Life is a journey - it starts with one step, followed by another step, then another. I have full confidence that God will bring about to completion that which he has started in me! Yea! So in the meantime, be patient with me as I relearn how to live my life, focusing on the important things and being at peace with the not as important things not getting done.
Your turn: What's God teaching you right now in your life? Any lessons you need to revisit and/or relearn? Share your thoughts with me!
It is strange how we DO give grace to others and not ourselves. I think you are perfect just as you are, imperfections and all. I and a lot of people see you as a loving kind and one of the most caring people that there is. (not just your mother's opinion)
ReplyDeleteI think God is teaching me that with all the changes of my "physical" being..that even with all of this...I still have value as a person and as a child of God. That I can still touch people's lives. Perhaps not in the same way I have in the past but I can if I listen to Him.
Oh Melissa I love you just as you are. I know how it feels to beat up on ourselves and not give ourselves a break but will for others. I am guilty of it myself. I often feel as you do. That I dont do enough, be it house, work, garden, church, husband, daughter. The list is endless. I feel I am hanging on waiting for things to be done. School, work, cold rainy weather. I just get so impatient then I remember Aaron talking about Abraham at church and the waiting for a child. SO a day or 2 here or there is no where close to 25 years. So that puts things into perspective to me. I didnt get the way I am in a day so it will take more than a few hours or days to right what I find wrong in my life. One of my favorite lines from a movie is Melly saying to Scarlett "Be kind to Mr. Butler, he loves you so." So instead of Rhett put in your own name and the He is Jesus. Be kind to Melissa, He loves you so." Hoping for a great day for you. I am going to have one as I am off to work.
ReplyDeleteHere I sit across the street from you thinking about what a great job you are doing with your life! You are doing the things I wanted to do at that stage of my life. Raising kids without a lot of media in their lives, with real values and real education, having a loving relationship with a good man, being a part of the community, having close friends and family. Those were all the things I was hoping to have in my life at that time (and due to a really poor choice in husband, was denied). So, as I tell myself all the time, STOP "should-ing" on yourself! Your house should NOT be tidy- you have three active kids and much more important things for your time than picking up a house. Give yourself permission to relax occasionally, ask for help, and not be perfect. I could teach you some skills to counter the perfectionist thoughts, if you would be interested. You are such an incredible person and raising such incredible kids!
ReplyDeleteDear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You are a wonderful, special, talented, loving, kind, and beautiful daughter-in-law! I love you and Jesus loves you too!
A big Ditto to all the previous comments!
For me, the first year here in NM was very rough: there was the transition of moving, I missed family so much, we had dear friends separate, and our future is still unknown. I kept working on developing more patience, with living in the now rather than trying - unsuccessfully - to figure out the future. I would make some strides, then impatience would set in again. Then, a couple months ago, I made a conscious decision to make the most of my time in NM - however long or short that may be - and that has made a ton of difference. I can be responsible for no one but myself, so I decided to give myself fully to the committee I serve at AMC and to special projects when I'm asked to do them, to take a pottery class to learn how to throw pots despite my weak left hand, to exercise, and to build up to swimming a mile ( I'm at 2/3 mile so far!), and other things. It was a decision born of knowing that something had to change in order for me to live more centered in God's love. Interesting that when one throws clay onto the wheel to make a pot, the potter must center the clay so that the pot can be properly thrown into a pleasing vessel that is of uniform in thickness. I've made a habit of pausing to center myself before I throw the clay onto the wheel. This spring I've had more energy than in a long while which I attribute to my having made a positive decision being present and to having increased my attention to healthy eating (including taking Usana vitamins) and living.
So, as you take one step at a time in your journey, remember to center yourself in God's love, enjoy each step you take, take time to look at the scenery, embrace the people who cross your path and share your house, and don't forget to pu your feet up from time to time - you don't always have to be going somewhere! And remember that we humans are all "in process"; we need to keep coming back to the center as we continue to become who we are meant to be.
Love and blessings always, MomK
I love real posts like this. It is so powerful to hear others don't have it all together either. You are an amazing women! God isn't don't with any of us yet, and He won't ever be as long as we are on earth. But that is the beauty in following a Living God. He speaks to us, changes and molds us through our mishaps. God has been working on me too, and He spoke to me through you today. Thank you for sharing your heart!
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