My Art Journey - 7, 8, 9, and 10 of 40

I've had an on and off relationship with art over my lifetime. Of course when you are little, you create art without a care in the world and enjoy the process of creating all the wonderful things in your mind. However, over time that careless creativity came to a grinding halt as I put judgment on my work and compared it to those around me. I grew up in a family of extremely talented artists and, being the youngest in the family, I felt like I was never as good as them, so I stopped doing art and settled for being the "musical one". 

In high school, I discovered the joy of colored pencils and my art world opened back up a little. I did a few drawings here and there for people I loved and enjoyed the process of bringing joy and delight through visual art. But soon a busy life with marriage and then kids started and I had little time or energy to do any sort of art. I got my colored pencils back out when David was about two and drew this butterfly below for a friend after getting a vision while praying for her one day. She had a number of rough experiences in her life and I felt like God was telling her that even in those rough experiences (the thistle), there was a bit of sweet nectar tucked away deep within that she (the beautiful butterfly) was able to get out and live on and become something beautiful with. I spent several weeks making this picture for her and very much enjoyed seeing her receive the framed picture when I was done. I felt like this was something God had given me to bless others with and I wanted more of it! 

Soon after that epiphany of realizing that I wanted to do more of that, we moved back to Iowa. I packed up my colored pencils, moved to Iowa, and didn't get them out more than twice over the next 15 years. I would think about doing something off and on over the years, but it's easier to just think about it than to do. It takes a lot of courage to break the cleanness of a plain white piece of paper, not being sure if success will lie on the other end of the process or not. 

But this is something God has been working on in my life for a couple of years - having the courage to take a risk to do something that may not succeed in the end. I've been learning to be brave. Many times in the things I've faced, I have experienced the positive outcome I wanted just by taking a courageous step. Other times, my fear has been realized and I failed. I don't like to fail, and often that fear of failure has kept me immobilized from action. 

Each spring, Aaron and I attend our annual church leadership conference down in Texas with the other groups and churches we are in relationship with. During one night every year, there is the annual art night where people are encouraged to share with each other something God has been doing in them through the arts. I really love seeing and hearing about the creative spark God has touched so many different people with. It's refreshing and fun. During last year's art night, I felt like God was saying to me, "Next year, you need to get up there and share." I've learned that it's pointless to argue with God, so I quickly agreed and said, "Okay" hoping that we could forget the matter and not talk about it again.

Unfortunately, God has a better memory than me. He would bring up the idea of creating again at various times over the next few months. I always agreed that it would be a good idea, but let it go at that, fearing the what-if-I-try-and-it-looks-like-crap outcome. Six months went by after my initial agreement to create again. Then Ana came up with our Family Adventures In Odyssey Creative Nights. Now my excuse of not having time to create was shot. I had a number of art related challenges I wanted to tackle anyway for my year of 40 Small Challenges for turning 40 Years Old. So now it was time to face the FEAR of failure. Sigh.

In order to break me of my inertia in taking that first step of courage, I set a time limit. I was not going to allow myself more than two family art nights per piece of art so that I wouldn't focus on perfection and more on just doing. I had a couple of quick ideas in mind to get started with from some prayer times for some friends. Making art for a friend was challenge #7 of 40.

Here is picture #1. It came from a vision about a friend who was having a tough time dreaming for her life. I felt like her life was this lovely shiny stainless steel canister that was clean and well polished and looked very nice and tidy. But God was wanting to burst forth and create a whirlwind of dreams, light, color, and even some mess within the process. So I quickly sketched it out one night and sent it to her soon after. 

Then I drew a geode for a friend who I sometimes feel doesn't see that inside the normal ordinary exterior, there is a beautiful awe-inspiring geode inside her that is evidence of God doing amazing things in her life and drawing people closer to him through her. I drew that in a couple of nights and sent it off to her as well.

Then I was out of ideas.

During the next Family Creative night, I decided to focus on the "family" part of the night since I didn't know what to do next. So I sat at the table with the family and paid the bills while everyone else did the creative part. 

Unfortunately, we are teaching our children how to be empowered and at the end of the night, Ana (my very hesitant, hard to put into words the things that are in her heart Ana) had a conversation with me.

"Mom?...I feel like when you pay bills during our creative nights...that you aren't doing what this family time is for...It's not creative."

I sighed and agreed with her. And then I tried to make some whiny excuse, "I know, but I didn't know what to draw, so I just sat with the family. We were together, weren't we?"

Ana was not sympathetic. "Draw a chicken!"

"No. I'm not going to draw a chicken."

"Why not? You should draw a chicken."

I let it drop and we went on our way until the next Art Night. I sat at the table not doing anything. Ana looked over and said, "What are you going to do tonight, Mom?"

When I whined that I didn't know what to draw, she said again, "Draw a chicken!"

Sigh. Fine. I'll draw a chicken. Happy?

Once I finished the chicken, I realized that I had fun drawing a chicken. I've always liked chickens. They are amusing to me. Awkward, clumsy animals make me giggle. They probably help me feel better about myself and my own awkward clumsiness in life. So at the next art night, I went for another awkward animal that amuses me with its existence. A toad.

I took a small break from colored pencils to do a small cross stitch of sunflowers. I love sunflowers and I've wanted to do a cross stitch for awhile. Challenge #8 of 40.

Back to colored pencils and sunflowers. I really do love them. They bring such joy to my heart. I tried doing a sunflower painting as well, but I used super cheap paint and it flaked off, so I don't have anything to show you of that one.

After my failed sunflower painting attempt, I spent an evening exploring paint and color with no particular thing in mind - challenge #9 of 40 - have fun with some abstract painting.

So now I had several drawings that I didn't know what to do with. I've never really kept any of my art, but always gave it away. Who would want a picture of a chicken? Or a toad? Or a flower? Or paint splotches? It's not like it was a life-changing, deeply meaningful work that made you sit back in wonder. That's what I've always loved about art - the aspect that it goes to where words don't easily go. Sometimes I struggle to put into the words the deep things in my heart, and art helps bridge that gap for me. So I've always felt like any art I do should also bring along that feeling of wonder and that it's not true art unless it does that. I've never felt like a true artist because my art is merely for joy and pleasure for me. 

But over the course of these past few months as I created just for the joy of it, I realized that it's okay. A big part of who I am is all about joy and finding joy and pleasure in the journey - in the mundane or even the painful parts - and creating art for joy is an extension of who I am. We each have a unique voice in this world, and this is part of my voice. Joy. My #10 challenge of 40 was to share the above this past spring at the annual art night at the GRG conference. I was nervous to share this part of me, but I did it.

During school this spring, Ana was reading The Diary of Anne Frank for part of her history studies. I picked it up one day and was reading the epilogue of her life at the end of the diary. Tears were streaming down my face as I pondered and grieved the atrocities that we can inflict upon each other. Suddenly, the song "It Is Well With My Soul" came on my music station as I was in the midst of this emotional mess, which of course added to my emotions. I had this image pop into my head and quickly jotted it down in my sketchbook. It didn't copy very well here, but it's of a woman with a tear running down her cheek, clutching a tiny little plant, with one hand reaching to heaven. I jotted down some of my favorite Anne Frank quotes around the drawing. I feel like this juxtaposition speaks to what I am about - finding joy within the journey. I'll leave you here with this sketch. The quotes are written below if you can't make it out on the original.

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

"I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."