This Is My House

"Will you work on cleaning the house today?" 

Those were the words my husband spoke as he left to go to work this morning. It's important to say this upfront that he was not being mean spirited when he said it. Yet I heard those words on repeat all morning long through my head.

At first I was angry. 

Just what does he think I do anyway? Every day I work on cleaning the house! Sometimes I make more progress than other days. Some days I get sidetracked. Some days I have other things to do that are not related to cleaning. Some days the kids (mainly one small one) undoes 85% of what I've done. 

I thought out a number of angry retorts I could use when he got home.

But nearly as soon as the anger came, it left, leaving a sad, melancholy, woe-is-me-I'm-a-loser feeling.

You see, I AM a bad housecleaner. My house has piles. My house has clutter. Dirty dishes on the counter are the norm. 

A clean and tidy house is not my strong point. 

Here's proof:

The office - usually the messiest place in the house. 

The livingroom here is looking nicer than usual. Only a few things strewn about the floor. 

My kitchen counter. Dirty dishes, piles of paper, random trinkets belonging to the kids, dying flowers, books, etc.

See? I'm not lying. 

This morning Aaron's simple words felt like confirmation to the horrid things I tell myself. 

You are not enough.

You don't measure up.

Other women can keep a clean house while doing so much more than you, why can't you handle this simple thing?

You are lazy.

You are unorganized.

You are raising kids who will turn out just like you with all your flaws.

On and on and on...

I tackled the housework in a state of sadness over my lack. Sure I could make excuses - others often try to make excuses for me too.

"You are busy homeschooling"

"You have little ones"

"You do lots of other thngs that are more important than a tidy house"

"Your kids will remember the things you do together more than if your house was clean or not"

I appreciate those excuses. They are all true. Yet, I have friends who also homeschool (all of their kids!), who have little ones, who do all sorts of other things, who do amazing things with their kids that I really don't have the energy to even attempt - all while having a clean house. How do they do it? I have no idea! Why does it matter? Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't maintain a clean house? 

*In all fairness, I CAN maintain a spotless home. I did it when we had our house on the market a couple of years ago. It was hard. It was unnatural to me. All I did was clean and get on the kids the moment they even began to think about leaving something out and untidy. I mopped my floors more times in those four months than I ever had in the previous ten years of living there. It was a relief when we took our home off the market and could actually live in our house again.

So anyway, back to my state of melancholy despair this morning...

I did not have an epiphany with three easy steps to follow to forever have a clean home. My house is not spotless now. It is a bit cleaner now than the pictures above after a morning of work. And, no, this is not a post to wallow in my weaknesses and victimization of "I am who I am and I'll never change". I have been changing very slowly over the years. I've gotten more organized and tidier as I work on developing habits to maintain order at home. But the fact is, I will probably always struggle to maintain a sense of tidiness here. It's just part of who I am.

This morning, my heart was in a bad and unhealthy place. There was no joy nor freedom as I went about my work. So I went to the place I go when my heart is hurting - I sought the Father.

He listened to me whine about my life and lack of tidy-keeping ability for a bit.

But that didn't help.

So I shut up and asked Him what HIS heart was towards me.

He reminded me of things I was praying about this morning for others. I was praying for some people to be able hear the truth in who they really are and to not listen to the lies that the enemy is feeding them about who they think they are. God reminded me that my prayers for others is what I also needed for myself. Remember those things I listed above? I'm not enough. I'm not organized. Other women can do more than me...  All of those things have a kernal of truth to them. 

I am NOT organized. 

There ARE other women out there doing way more than I can. 

I am NOT perfect. 

Yet these "truths" are not my true identity. 

They do not define how God sees me. They do not define my value and worth.

God sees me through different lenses.

Can I accept that? Can I believe that? Can I live my life viewing me through God's eyes?

This song has been my theme song these past two weeks. Maybe it will be my theme for the year. Take a listen and enjoy! Make it your own prayer. May it minister to you as it has to me.

Here's my heart, Lord. Speak what is true.